STATE DEPARTMENT PRESS RELEASE PARODY

UNITED STATES DEPARRTMENT OF STATE

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

Press Statement

Antoine Dodson

Assistant Department Spokesperson, Office of the Spokesperson

US Department of State

Washington, DC

September 17, 2012

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***

American diplomatic personnel in embassies and consulates throughout the world but especially in Tunis and Khartoum are hereby placed on HIGH ALERT following the storming of American Embassies in Cairo and Tripoli and the American consulate in Bengazi.

Al Qaeda operatives have been spotted climbing into embassy windows, taking hostages and attempting sexual assaults against them.  All embassy and consular personnel are directed to take their minor children and spouses to a secure location.  Repeat:  all embassy and consular personnel are directed to take their minor children and spouses to a secure location.  Even husbands should be hidden since al Qaeda is known to have committed sexual assaults against persons of every description.

The State Department has received no claim of responsibility for the recent incidents, but issued a statement that such a claim was not necessary in light of American, NATO, and UN efforts to find the terrorists.  All agencies expressed strong confidence that the terrorists will be found and the terrorists were further urged to disseminate this message themselves.

Libyan authorities recovered a T-Shirt left behind by one of the demonstrators at the consulate in Bengazi.  Fingerprints were also left at the scene.  Demonstrators are known to be of below-average intelligence and this point was particularly emphasized.  Demonstrators got away but left behind a trail of evidence.

One female staffer in Cairo indicated that she was sexually assaulted by a man of apparently subnormal intelligence who appeared to be from the poor neighborhoods of Cairo.

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About DougBuck

Michigan Lawyer, age 53.
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